A play in one act.

 

(University quad. A stage is stuffed with big-wigs in academic gowns, plus one man in a frumpy charcoal suit. Assembled before the stage is a small crowd. On one side of the stage is a wide yellow ribbon stretched across a gleaming new building. A tour group of prospective students stops on the periphery of the crowd while the tour guide gushes about the university’s award-winning architecture.)

 

DEAN HUBERT

And now to cut the ceremonial ribbon and say a few words, the man whose generous donation of 40 millions dollars made this building possible, Angus Frogbottom.

(The collection of academic gowns rustle with polite applause.)

 

ANGUS FROGBOTTOM

(Glares while shuffling to microphone, and snatches oversized novelty scissors from Dean Hubert.)

This building is an abomination. Ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. It looks like a frog’s bottom.

 

DEAN HUBERT

(Pulls Angus’s sleeve, and points to corner of the building.)

That’s just a name on the placard. Your name on the placard. It’s not a description of the building’s looks.

 

ANGUS FROGBOTTOM

(Jerks arm away from Dean Hubert.)

I know what a frog’s bottom looks like. And I’m looking at one right now.

 

(A man with mad scientist hair wearing a barrel held up with suspenders leaps on stage from the crowd. The word ‘ARCHITECT’ is stamped across the barrel.)

 

ARCHITECT

I won’t stand for your slanderous lies. I poured years of my life into designing that building, which clearly resembles a toad’s bottom.

 

ANGUS FROGBOTTOM

Frog’s bottom!

 

ARCHITECT

Toad’s bottom!

 

ANGUS FROGBOTTOM

(Pushes up his sleeves.)

That’s it. We’re fighting on the count of three. One … two …

 

ARCHITECT

(Throws hands in the air.)

Wait, do we start fighting on three, or the beat after three.

 

ANGUS FROGBOTTOM

Idiot. If I wanted to start fighting on the beat after three, I would have said ‘Start fighting on the count of four.’

 

DEAN HUBERT

(Grabs the would-be combatants by the collars, and pulls them apart.)

Will you two cut it out? I have a Ph.D. in Herpetology, and I’ve examined more animal butts than you two punks could ever dream of. Thus I can say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this building looks like a salamander’s bottom.

 

(A teenage newt drags his mother away from the prospective students’ tour, shaking his head in disgust.)

 

NEWT

See mom, I told you higher education was nothing but a bunch of perverts.

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